Jokes


GE-13

When the best actors are chosen by other actors,
it’s called the Oscars.

When the best actors are chosen by the people,
it’s called an Election.

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Equation

People who do lots of work…make lots of mistakes,

People who do less work…make less mistakes,

People who do no work…make no mistakes,

People who make no mistakes…get promoted.

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Good Wife

Every Lady hopes that her daughter will marry a Better Man than she did and is convinced that her son will Never find a wife as Good as his father did.

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Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. “What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I, uh,” she stammered. “I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.”

“I see,” he said. “I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.”

“That’s not bad,” she replied. “How much for all night?”

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Gate Transfer

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate A11. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but MH 1435 will board from Gate B10.”So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate B10. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight MH 1435 would in fact be boarding from Gate A11. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Malaysian Airline’s physical fitness program.

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A Walking economy

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”The friend asks, “How so?””My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are puttingme into a deep depression!”

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Horror

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Bang, I just heard on Radio Era that there’s a car going the wrong way on hiway. Please be careful!” “Heck,” said the old man, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Doc-Patient interaction


Jealousy

A doctor and his wife were sitting in deck chairs on the beach when a beautiful young girl in a brief bikini jogged towards them. As she came to the doctor she waved at him and said, in a husily sexy voice: ‘Hi, there” before continuing on her way.

“Who was that?” demanded the  doctor’s wife.

“Oh, just someone I met professionally.’ replied the doctor.

“Oh, yes!’ snorted the wife.

‘Whose profession? Yours or hers?’

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Boot on the head

A man walked into the doctor’s surgery and said:’Can you hekled me? I’ve suddenly got a funny feeling in my head-it’s all hot and I can’t see. I also walk with a limp as one leg seems shorter than the other’.

The doctor looked at him thoughtfully for a moment and then said: ‘It might help if you took your left boot off your head and put it back on your foot.’

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Long Life

Patient: “Doctor, do you think I will live until I’m a hundred?’.

Doctor: ‘Do you smoke or drink?’

Patient: ‘ No, doctor. Never’

Doctor: ‘Do you drive fast cars, gamble or play around with women?’

Patient: ‘ Certainly not!’

Doctor; ‘Then what do you want to live until a hundred for?’

Jokes On Marriage


The Wife is too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”

The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”

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Finding Perfect Men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

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Marriage Pessimism

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

4. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

6. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.

8. There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

Smile!

Jokes About Doctor


doctors

Believe He Is a Satan

A visiting specialist was taken to the cubicle of a mental case who thought he was a King.
“I know I am a king” the man explained. “Satan told me so”.
At which a furious voice sounded from the next cubicle:
” I told you nothing of the kind”.

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Hereditary

Doctor: “Young man – I’m afraid your complaint is hereditary”.
Young man: “Kindly send in the bill to my father”.

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Kill Me

“I am worried! The doctor says that if I give my husband anything but water I will kill him-”
“But why the worry?”
“Because if I give him water he’ll kill me”.

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Serious Case

A young surgeon received late one evening a SMS from three of his fellow practitioners: “Please come over to the club and join us at a game”.
Turning briskly to his wife he said: “Honey dear, here I am called away again! It seems to be a serious case-there are three doctors on the spot already”.

Not Clever Enough


robberMagistrate (to father of a boy who had been brought into a court for the 6th time on charge of stealing): The boy of yours has been charged so many times that I am absolutely tired of seeing him here.”

Father of the boy: “I am as tired of seeing him here too, sir”

Magistrate: “Then, why don’t you teach him better? If you show him the right way he won’t be coming here.”

Father of the boy: “I have showed him the right way but the young fool’s got no brains. He always get caught”